How to Face Your Fears

Thinking It Through

Realize that you're not alone. There are thousands -- maybe even millions -- of people who are probably afraid of very similar things. For example, more than 50 percent of Americans are afraid of creepy crawlies (snakes, spiders, bugs)! Shaming yourself or feeling embarrassed by your fear won't help you overcome it, but acknowledging that fear is a normal human emotion can help you find the strength to face yours. You can also look online for support groups for your specific fear. How have others handled their fears and overcome them? What can you learn from them? And, of course, there's always wikiHow. Does one of these articles speak to you? How to Overcome Your Fear of Public Speaking How to Overcome Your Fear of Clowns How to Overcome Your Fear of Needles How to Overcome Your Fear of Strangers How to Overcome Your Fear of Spiders How to Overcome Your Fear of Flying

Make a list of your fears. In order to fight your fears, you've got to know what scares you. Sit down and draw up a list of things you're afraid of. What are they? Where do they come from? What are their origins? When do they seem to crop up? When do they seem not so bad? How do they make you feel? Getting away from the fear and away from yourself -- looking at yourself on paper -- will help you be a bit more logical, a bit more objective about your fear. You may want to group similar fears together, especially if you're afraid of a lot of different things. It's a good idea to start a fear journal. Whenever you feel overcome with the fear, grab your handy dandy notebook and get to journaling. Not only is it a good outlet, but it can ground you and help you realize that you do have a grip on the situation after all. It can also help you get some distance from the things you're afraid of.

Differentiate between rational and irrational fears. In some situations, it's perfectly natural to feel some level of fear. A healthy fear response is an evolutionary advantage that's helped humans survive in a hostile world for thousands of years. However, other fears are more irrational, and it's often these fears that can cause the most difficulty and distress. For example, if you were hiking and came across a bear, feeling afraid would be a perfectly normal and healthy response, because you're in a dangerous situation. On the other hand, if you refuse to travel on airplanes because you're afraid the plane will crash, this fear is largely irrational. Flying is statistically much safer than driving your own car. Understanding when fear makes sense and when it doesn't can help you conquer your responses.

Make a fear ladder. Choose one fear that you want to face. At the top of the ladder, write the fear. Then, break the fear up into steps. Begin by writing the least scary action you could take to face this fear at the bottom of the ladder. With each subsequent "rung," choose one action that takes you a bit closer to the top, facing it head on. Break your ladder up into as many rungs as necessary, and don't try to jump between steps too quickly. Include a wide range of steps you can take. For example: imagine that you're afraid of flying, and even getting near planes makes you nervous. At the bottom of your ladder, have studying the mechanics behind flying as your step (no more "the wings are just supported by magic!"). Next, have "going to the airport." This is slightly more advanced, but still not too scary: you're just going to go the airport, not actually take a flight. Then, you could book a short, 30-minute flight with a friend. At the very top rung, you'd take a longer flight by yourself. It's a good idea to start with something fairly small. Some people make the mistake of jumping straight into fighting the one thing they fear the most, but exposure works best when it's gradual. Anxiety BC has a sample fear ladder form, if you aren't sure what it should look like.

Face your thinking. Now that you've got your brain wrapped around the fear -- you know where it comes from, you have it broken down into steps -- it's time to wrap your brain around, well, your brain. Remember that your fear is just a way of thinking -- one that you can control. Changing your “internal dialogue,” or how you think about a situation, can change how you respond to your fears. One way to do this is to switch from thinking about the absolute worst-case scenario to the best-case scenario. For example, imagine that you really want to scuba dive but are focused on the worst-case scenarios: you get eaten by a shark, your oxygen cuts out, you drown. While these are possibilities, they're pretty slim: for example, you have a 1 in 3,700,000 chance of being killed by a shark. (By way of comparison, you have a 1 in 2600 chance of being injured by an air freshener.) In contrast, your chances of having an incredible experience doing this thing you're afraid of are very high. Why resist doing something that could bring you so much joy and beauty? Arming yourself with statistics can help. While irrational fears are, well, irrational, you can help combat a tendency to catastrophize -- or immediately jump to the absolute worst-case scenario -- by learning some facts about what you're afraid of. For example, if you learn that out of the 7,000,000 North American flights between 1992-2001, only 30 crashed, your fear of flying may become slightly harder to justify to yourself.

See a mental health professional. Some fears don't cause a lot of distress in daily life, especially if you can manage to avoid the source of that fear (like staying away from places where you'd find snakes if you have ophidiophobia, or afraid of snakes). However, other fears,such as social phobia, can devastate you on a daily basis. If your fear is routinely causing you distress, or it's causing a lot of dysfunction in your daily life, see a mental health professional. They can help you figure out why you're afraid and assist you in taking steps to conquer your fear. There are several different treatment techniques a mental health professional might suggest for you. Prescription medications such as beta blockers and antidepressants can help you manage the anxiety and stress caused by your fear, while cognitive behavioral therapy can help you rewire your thinking so you eventually feel in control of your emotions. Exposure therapy, which is what many of the steps in this article involve, also has a good track record for combating specific fears, especially ones linked to a particular object or experience (riding in elevators, seeing sharks, etc.).

Getting In the Conquering Zone

Realize fear is learned. Almost all fears have to be learned. When we're young, we don't know to be afraid. Then we become adults, and we learn that we should be afraid of some things. We're afraid to talk to others. We're afraid to give a big speech. We're afraid to go on that roller coaster. At one time, we weren't. The trick to conquering fear is remembering that it's learned -- and it can be unlearned, too. This is particularly apt for social fears, which often stem from a fear of being rejected and a lack of self-compassion. If you wouldn't reject someone you loved for doing something, chances are that most people won't reject you either. (And if they do, that says much more about them than it does about you.)

Visualize success. Visualize yourself confident and utterly lacking fear. Confidence itself doesn't guarantee success, but approaching a situation with confidence can help you try harder. So picture yourself in the situation. Work out the sights, the smells, how you feel, what you can touch. Now take control of it. This can take practice. At the beginning, start with just 5 minutes of visualization. When it becomes easy, move it to 10. Then, spend as much time as you need to get in the zone.

Relax your body. Practicing progressive muscle relaxation can help rid your body of anxiety, which will help you feel comfortable when it comes time to face your fear. Lie down in a comfortable, quiet place. Focus on tensing the muscles in one muscle group, such as your hand or forehead. Maintain the tension for 5 seconds. Relax. Feel the relaxation spreading throughout that muscle group. Repeat this process with major muscle groups, such as your facial muscles, hands, upper arms, back, stomach, hips and buttocks, thighs, calves, and feet.

Breathe. The sympathetic nervous system is activated when you feel afraid, and this causes physical symptoms like an elevated heart rate and rapid, shallow breathing. Counteract these symptoms by focusing on deep, even, relaxing breathing exercises. Lie on your back and place your hand on your stomach. As you breathe in through your nose, you should feel your stomach expanding. Then, slowly release your breath through your mouth. Repeat this at least 10 times.

Live in the moment. Many fears are about the uncontrollable future. Winston Churchill once said, “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” Practicing mindfulness through meditation can help you stay in the moment and not obsess over things you can't control anyway. Mindfulness can also improve your concentration and create a deeper sense of well-being and acceptance.

Turn your jitters into energy. Being afraid of something can produce a lot of nervous energy, thanks to the working of our sympathetic nervous system (the system responsible for our “flight-or-fight” response). But while you may never be entirely relaxed and calm about doing something you're afraid of, you may be able to transform how you think about that jittery jolt. Envision your fear energy as enthusiasm instead -- your body can't actually tell the difference. For example, if you're terrified of traveling but love going to see your family who lives far away from you, try transforming the nervous energy you feel about getting on the plane or train into excitement about your ultimate goal. You may be a little uncomfortable for a few moments, but you will be so happy when you've refused to let your fear keep you from your visit.

Think about your past accomplishments. Thinking about your successes can boost your self-confidence, and that can help you feel strong enough to conquer your fear. What are the awesome things you've done in the face of adversity? What have you done that you weren't sure you'd be able to do? What didn't kill you and only made you better? Don't belittle your own accomplishments. You've probably had more successes than you realize, even if they aren't gigantic things like being President of the United States. Did you graduate from high school? File your taxes on time? Cook your own dinner? These are all successes.

Think of the next 20 seconds. Just the next 20 seconds. When you're about to face your fears, think only of the next 20 seconds. That's it. It's not the rest of your life at stake, not even the rest of the afternoon. All you need is the next 20 seconds. 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery. 20 seconds of insatiable gusto. 20 seconds of irrepressible awesome. You can manage that, right? You can fake it for 1/3 of ONE minute? Because after that first 20 seconds is over, it's all downhill from there.

Attacking Your Fears

Expose yourself to your fear. Starting at the very bottom rung of your fear ladder, repeatedly take that step until you begin to feel comfortable doing it. For example, if you're terrified of public speaking, you could start by simply saying “hi” to the checkout worker at the grocery store. Plan these steps in advance so that you feel in control of the situation. If you're afraid of a static experience, such as a fear of heights, try to stick with exposure for as long as you can handle it (e.g., looking over the railing from the second floor of the mall). If you're afraid of an action or object, repeat the action as many times as you can until you feel less anxiety while doing it (e.g., saying hello to everyone you encounter in the supermarket). The longer you face the situation or thing you're afraid of, the more likely you are to break the fear cycle. However, if your distress becomes unbearable, don't feel bad! It's okay to take a break and begin again another day.

Practice taking the next step, and then the next. Don't rush yourself, but do push yourself. Once you find yourself able to handle the first rung on your fear ladder with less anxiety, move to the next one. Once you begin to get comfortable with facing your fears, don't stop! You don't want to lose the progress you've made. Keep challenging yourself.

Participate in a support network. Chances are, there are other people in your area who are afraid of the same things you are. By supporting each other, you increase your likelihood of success. There is no shame in asking for help. If you can't find a formal support group, share your fears with a friend and ask them for help. Tell your family and friends your plan for facing your fears and ask them to be there with you as you experience it. Let them know how you'll probably react and what you need from them. They will probably be glad to support you.

Talk about your fears. Talking with others about your fears can help you realize you're not alone, and can also make them seem more manageable. Your friends may be able to come up with solutions to help you overcome what's making you afraid. You may even be able to poke some gentle fun at your fears, which can help you feel brave enough to face them. For example, if you have a big speech to make and it scares you, talk with a friend about it. You could even practice giving your speech to a few close people who love you. Practicing in front of people you feel comfortable with several times first may give you the confidence you need to succeed when you give the speech for real.

Fake it. “Fake it till you make it” is advice for a reason. Many studies have shown that you can actually become more confident by just appearing to be. If you have a fear of something like public speaking, you are probably far more aware of your shortcomings than anyone else. Approach the situation with confidence, even fake confidence, and you'll usually find that it isn't as scary as you thought it would be. You'd be surprised at how easily you can trick your own mind. For example, did you know that making yourself smile can actually make you happier? It's the same principle behind pretending that you're confident when you might be feeling really scared inside.

Reward yourself. Every time you have faced a mini-fear, worked your way up that ladder, reward yourself. Rewarding yourself after you've faced a challenge is an example of “operant conditioning,” or presenting a pleasant reward as a consequence of an action, and it's very effective in changing your behavior. When you hit the end-all-be-all of fears, reward yourself with the end-all-be-all of rewards. The bigger the fear, the bigger your reward. Plan it out for something to look forward to! Everyone needs motivation. When you have rewards, when you have other people who know about your progress, you'll be more pressured to succeed. And if you think positively, you will.