Recognizing an Unhealthy Relationship
Consider how you feel. A romantic relationship won’t always be perfect, but you should generally feel good about yourself and your partner. If you are in an abusive relationship, such as one where your boyfriend is possessive, you may feel very negative emotions. These are signs that you may be in an unhealthy relationship. You may feel: Depressed Lonely Shameful Guilty Isolated or trapped Anxious Fearful for your safety or the safety of your children Suicidal If you are having suicidal thoughts, call 911 immediately or go to your nearest emergency room. Reader Poll: We asked 325 wikiHow readers about what led them to end a difficult romantic relationship, and 65% agreed that when it started to make them feel anxious or confused, that was the final straw. [Take Poll] So if this is in line with how you're feeling, you're not alone.
Notice if your boyfriend acts like he owns you. The basis of a possessive tendency in a relationship is rooted in the word “possession.” Your boyfriend thinks of you as something to own and control.
Count up how often you see your friends or family. A possessive boyfriend may not allow you to spend time with other people. Instead, he wants to be the center of your universe. He may demand that you cut off contact with friends, family, or coworkers. He is trying to destroy your support network and make you wholly dependent upon him. You likely feel very isolated and alone. Think about the other people in your life. How often do you see them? When you lose your support network, it can seem harder for you to escape a damaging relationship.
Consider how your boyfriend reacts when you talk with strangers. A possessive boyfriend will control who you see and talk to. This can even include strangers, such as waiters, store clerks and grocery store checkers.
Notice how much your boyfriend tracks your actions. A possessive boyfriend will keep track of what you do and where you go. He will demand an accounting of where you’ve been, what you’ve done, who you talked to, what you bought, and even what you read. This can get exhausting and many victims might stop doing certain activities in order to avoid being interrogated.
Notice if your boyfriend controls your access to resources. Your boyfriend may not allow you access to certain resources, such as the telephone or internet, a car, school, work, or health care and medications. Limiting these resources is another way to make you entirely dependent upon him. This also helps him track and control your actions.
Consider if your boyfriend accuses you of infidelity. Many possessive partners will accuse the other partner of cheating or unfaithfulness. You may feel like you can’t even talk to another man because your boyfriend will get jealous. Healthy relationships are built on trust and respect, and you should be able to interact with whomever you want.
Recognize possessiveness disguised as caring. Your boyfriend may try to control your actions and behavior by disguising it as caring. He is making the decision for you about how you should act, but he hides it behind a veneer of doing “what’s best for you.” For example, he may say that you shouldn’t drive your car because the car might break down. But he won’t help you get the car fixed to make it safe.
Think about how you and your boyfriend communicate with each other. There should be a healthy amount of respect towards each other. Healthy couples are kind to each other. They do not name-call, put each other down, yell, or exhibit other signs of abusive behaviors. They support each other privately and in public. They also honor their partner’s boundaries. Healthy couples have personal boundaries (expressing their preferences and needs), and they use assertiveness to express these boundaries in a kind and loving way. When communicating assertively, people in healthy relationships communicate openly and honestly. This means also that healthy couples can share their feelings with the other person, not have a need to be right all the time, and listen to each other in a loving, open, and nonjudgmental way.
Watch how arguments play out. Not everyone agrees all the time, even in the healthiest of relationships. Misunderstandings, miscommunications, and conflicts are dealt with promptly and assertively. Assertive communication maintains a level of kindness and respect within the relationship, as well as encourages cooperation in solving problems and issues. Healthy couples don’t play the “blame game.” Each person takes responsibility for his or her behavior, thinking, and emotions. Each takes control of his or her own happiness and destiny. Both partners also take responsibility for when they make mistakes and do what’s necessary to make it up to the other partner. For example, apologizing is a good start.
Determine if your partner is gaslighting. Gaslighting is a method of emotional abuse in which one partner manipulates and distorts events or behaviors so that the other partner doesn’t trust her own judgement and doubts her abilities. This is a way to control the other person so that she cannot function independently. An example of gaslighting is when your boyfriend recounts an action from the past but he changes some of the details. On the whole, it seems accurate, but the minor details are used to put him in the right and to put you in the wrong If your partner has been gaslighting for a long time, it can be difficult to determine if it’s happening. You may not trust your judgement and you may have very low self-esteem. Think back to instances where you felt disbelief about the way your boyfriend recounted an event. You may have felt that he definitely remembered things wrong. This might be an example of the start of gaslighting in your relationship.
Recognizing Signs of Abuse
Understand the definition of abuse. An abusive relationship describes a relationship where one person consistently and constantly uses tactics to psychologically, physically, financially, emotionally, and sexually control and have power over another person. A relationship marked by domestic violence is a relationship where there is an imbalance of power.
Know what emotional abuse looks like. This kind of abuse usually involves verbal abuse, where the abuser systematically lowers your self-esteem by calling you names, criticizes you constantly, doesn’t show any trust, acts like you a possession, threatens you, and uses your children against you or threatens to hurt them, among other behaviors. Possessive behavior is a form of emotional abuse, but it can be accompanied by other forms of abuse.
Understand what physical abuse looks like. The actual acts of physical violence might seem like they are self-explanatory or too obvious to mention. But for people who grew up getting hit, they might not realize that this is not a normal, healthy behavior. The following are signs of physical abuse: “Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or choking you.” Denying you the right to meet your basic needs, such as food and sleep. Breaking your belongings or things in your home, such as throwing dishes or punching holes in the walls. Threatening you with a knife or gun, or uses a weapon on you. Physically barring you from leaving, calling 911 for help, or going to the hospital. Physically abusing you or your children. Kicking you out of your car and leaving you in strange places. Driving aggressively and dangerously while you are in the car. Making you drink alcohol or take drugs.
Recognize sexual abuse. This kind of abuse encompasses any unwanted sexual activity. It includes “sexual coercion,” which makes you feel like you are being forced to have sex. It also includes “reproductive coercion,” which means not allowing you to have a choice in pregnancy. An abuser may control the way you dress, rape you, purposely give you a sexually transmitted disease, drug you or get you drunk to have sex with you, make you pregnant or terminate your pregnancy against your will, make you view pornography, and so on.
Understand the dimensions of financial abuse. Financial abuse can entail abusers preventing you from having your own money, even if you earned it. They might also take away your credit cards or they start a credit card in your name and ruin your credit history. Abusers also might move into your home and not contribute to paying any of the bills or expenses. They might also withhold money for your basic needs, such as prescriptions or groceries.
Understand what digital abuse looks like. Abusers utilize technology to threaten, stalk, bully, or harass you. They may use social media to send you harassing messages, or demand to know your passwords. Abusers will also insist you keep your cell phone on you at all times and answer his call the moment it rings.
Taking Action
Be realistic about whether the relationship is worth fixing. When you’re in a possessive relationship, your partner is responsible for his actions. Many victims of abuse are trained to think, “It’s my fault,” and “If I’d only done this, he wouldn’t do that.” But your partner is the one who decides how he will act. If the relationship is worth fixing, your boyfriend has to really want to change his ways. He has to initiate the change. If your boyfriend is possessive enough that you’ve become isolated, trapped, depressed, anxious, or fearful, then it’s most likely that you should leave the relationship.
Get support from a trusted friend or family member. Often, a person in a possessive relationship will become isolated from friends and family. She may retreat because she feels that she will be judged or stigmatized. But when you realize that you need to leave the relationship, you will need these support networks. Even if you haven’t talked with a friend or family member in a while, he or she is likely willing to support you. Rally this person’s support. Talk to this person to discuss your strategy for leaving the relationship.
Find support through a domestic violence hotline. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 | 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)) is staffed with counselors who can talk you through your options and help you figure out a plan for leaving this relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline also has a website (www.thehotline.com) where you can chat with someone online except for 2:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m. Central Time. The staff will help you determine what your safest course of action is at this time. They also have a list of 4,000 safehouses around the United States. They can help locate one for you and your children if need be.
Make your personalized safety plan. A personalized safety plan is a way to work out exactly what you’ll do when you feel threatened or at risk. There are personalized safety plans available online, such as this worksheet from the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence. Print out this form and fill it out. Store this worksheet in a safe place where your boyfriend can’t find it.
Leave immediately if you feel unsafe. If your relationship has become dangerous, you do not need to explain your departure to your boyfriend. Leave immediately and find somewhere safe to stay, such as a safehouse. Your first priority is to keep yourself (and your children and pets if you have them) safe.
Trust your instincts. Your gut may be telling you that the relationship is not working and that your boyfriend does not respect you. It can be a difficult realization to come to. But when you trust yourself and you are honest with yourself, you can make a change that will lead you into a healthier, safer life.
Ending the Relationship
Plan out what you’re going to say. It is a good idea to practice what you will say to your boyfriend when you break off the relationship. This will help you work through your thoughts to find the best way to express yourself. This can be very hard to do when you are the victim in a controlling relationship. But you deserve to be heard and respected.
Choose the best place and time. Breaking up is usually best done in person. But in an abusive relationship, you should carefully anticipate your boyfriend’s reactions and choose the safest way to lose him instead. If you don’t think he will become violent, then you can do this in person. You may want to choose a public place where he can’t hurt you or break your things. If you think he will get violent, you should just leave the situation without an in-person explanation. You can leave a note if you feel it’s necessary. If you have children or pets, take them with you.
Bring someone with you. If you are concerned at all about your safety, bring a trusted friend with you. This person can be a witness and advocate for you.
Describe how his behaviors make you feel. You can take this opportunity to tell him how his possessiveness has made you feel. Use assertive communication to tell him what you need from a healthy relationship. Tell him that the relationship is not meeting your needs and that you are leaving. You can give some specific examples of how he disrespects you, isolates you, or controls you.
Be wary of his reactions. Be aware that your boyfriend may not listen to your explanations. He may become very defensive. He may turn violent or apologetic, or he might just ignore you. Stick to your guns and do what’s right for you.
Ignore the apologies. Your partner may try begging you to stay and to forgive him. But be extremely wary of promises that he will change. Abuse can “cycle,” in that there is a period of calm, followed by an escalation, and then an attack. After the attack, the entire cycle can begin again. If you’ve reached the decision to leave the relationship, listen to yourself first and foremost. Ignore his apologies and begging. If he threatens that he’ll hurt himself if you leave, you need to ignore him. His actions are his own responsibility. He is using guilt to try manipulating you into staying. You need to ensure your own safety first.
Call 911 if you feel unsafe. If your partner becomes violent, call 911 immediately. Calling 911 can ensure that you will be able to stop any physical abuse that might arise. You can also ensure your safety as you and your kids leave the house. Tell the police about any physical abuse you experienced. Describe what happened in detail and show where you were hurt. Have the police take photos of the marks right away, as well as the next day when bruising shows up. These photos can be used in court. Ask for the officers’ names and badge numbers. Get a report or case number as well, in case you need a copy of the report. The police might arrest your boyfriend if they determine that you are unsafe.
Find a safe shelter. Make a list of all the places you can go. Think about friends or family who are not familiar to your boyfriend. Locate a safehouse. Safehouses are usually maintained by nonprofit organizations. They have a secret location and are usually accessible 24 hours a day, so you can sneak away while your partner is sleeping if necessary. They can help you coordinate with government social services to get benefits to get you started. They can also help you get a personal protection order, and many offer counseling services.
Don’t answer communications from your ex-boyfriend. This person may continue trying to contact you on the phone, through social media, or even in person. Don’t respond to his texts. Delete his number from your phone. Unfriend him on social media. You may want to change your phone number. If you feel that he is following you around or spying on you, change up your routines. Leave for work or school at a different time and take a different route. If you don’t feel safe, think about getting a personal protection order.
Get a personal protection order if you think it’s necessary. A personal protection order (PPO) is issued by the Circuit Court in your region. It offers legal protection for you against a person who is harassing, stalking, threatening or intimidating you. The PPO will prohibit this person from coming to your home or workplace. Keep a detailed record of any contact that your boyfriend makes. If your boyfriend continues to get in touch with you or stalk you, write down the times, places and details of what happened. This can be used to get a personal protection order if you need one.
Moving On
See a mental health professional. Depending on the extent of the relationship you just left, you may want to seek counseling to talk through your experiences. It can be a good idea to work with a professional to understand the relationship and your partner’s behaviors.
Reestablish your sense of safety. After ending an abusive relationship where you didn’t feel secure, you will need time to feel safe again. This might mean feeling safe physically, feeling safe from criticisms and insults, feeling safe from poverty or other financial abuse, and feeling safe in your actions and behaviors. You might look to feel safe physically by taking a self-defense class. You might begin to feel safe from financial abuse by getting a job and building up your savings account.
Allow yourself to grieve. The end of your relationship can leave you feeling depressed, guilty, lost or anxious. Let yourself express these feelings. Do something creative, like artwork or journaling, to work out some of these feelings.
Take time for yourself. After you get out of an unhealthy relationship, it’s a good idea to take time to reconnect with yourself. Do the activities that you enjoy doing, whether it’s cooking or hiking or skiing or watching movies. Focus on what you need to feel healthy again.
Enter into new relationships cautiously. When you start thinking about getting into a new relationship, you will likely enter into it with caution and perhaps a little trepidation. Be optimistic about the possibilities for a new relationship. But if you sense you are getting into the same patterns as your previous relationship, break it off immediately. Don’t get yourself into a similar cycle as the previous time. Identify qualities you want in a partner. After an abusive relationship, take time to figure out your priorities for a successful and healthy relationship. Put yourself as a priority.
Be strong and believe in yourself. Breaking off a possessive relationship can be extremely difficult, especially if you’ve been entrenched in it for a long time. Be strong and believe in your ability to heal. Give yourself positive affirmations so that you know you’ve made the right decision.
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