How to Avoid Misunderstandings with Your Partner

• Communication is a skill, and if you and your partner are struggling with it, sit down and come up with a game plan to improve!
• It’s easy for misunderstands to develop if the two of you aren’t listening actively to one another; one easy way to solve this is to set some ground rules together to stay off of your phones and make eye contact while you’re talking.
• Choose your words carefully when you’re sharing potentially-controversial views or difficult questions, and take a few seconds to think through what you’re about to say before you say it.
• Using “I” statements is a good way to keep your partner from misinterpreting what you mean and getting defensive.
• Tone and body language can dramatically influence the way people interpret information, so keep that in mind when you’re sharing something with your partner.

Communicating Effectively

Actively listen. Listening to your partner can help you understand what they want and need. Even if they disagree with your opinion or perspective, listening is an important first step in avoiding misunderstandings with your partner. Pay attention to nonverbal information. For instance, if you ask your partner if they want to go see a movie and they exhale with a “tsh” sound, raise their eyebrows sharply, and reply “Yeah,” they might not want to see a movie even though they said they did. Rephrase what your partner says. For instance, if your partner says, “The pasta is a bit stiff still and the water is cold,” you might reply, “It sounds as though the pasta is not done cooking yet, is that right?” Ask questions. In addition to paraphrasing what your partner says, you should ask questions if there’s anything you don’t understand or wish to obtain more information about.

Identify your feelings. Sometimes it can be hard to know what you feel. You might want to push certain feelings away. This is especially the case with negative feelings like fear, shame, and embarrassment. But in order to avoid misunderstandings with your partner, you must identify your feelings, no matter how hard it might be. To identify the feelings you have, concentrate on your thoughts. If you are thinking about how much you hate your partner, you might be angry. If you are thinking about how wonderful your partner is, you might be happy. If you are thinking about how grateful you are to have your partner in your life, you might be feeling love or appreciation. To help you identify what you’re feeling, write a list of emotions on a sheet of paper and go through them one-by-one. For instance, you might write a list of emotions like angry, sad, happy, and so on. Move through the list and ask yourself, “Do I have this feeling?” If not, cross it off the list. If you’re experiencing a certain emotion on your list, circle it. You might be able to feel more than one emotion at a time. Once you’ve identified your feeling, acknowledge the feeling by saying to yourself, for instance, “I feel sad” or “I feel angry.”

Share your feelings with your partner. Once you’ve identified your feelings, you’re ready to share them with your partner. Your partner loves and cares about you, and you should, therefore, share your feelings with them in order to build a stronger and more honest relationship. Be clear and direct when sharing feelings with you partner. Do not lie to your partner about your feelings. Avoid using accusatory language like, “You make me feel…” when expressing your feelings. Instead, try owning your feelings by saying statements that start with, "I feel..." When sharing your feelings with your partner, avoid accusatory language and combative statements. Instead, focus on your own experience and feelings. For instance, instead of saying, “You’re rotten and I hate you for what you said,” try saying, “I felt very bad after our conversation.” State your feeling first and the reason for the feeling after. If you feel angry with your partner, you could say, for instance, “I am very angry because of everything that occurred this morning.” If you feel sad, you might say, “I’m sad that I have not been able to meet your family yet.”

Adopt a friendly demeanor. If your tone is caustic and hostile, your partner might be defensive and your exchange might lead to misunderstanding. But if your body language is open and your tone of voice friendly, you and your partner are less likely to experience a misunderstanding. For instance, if your partner says, “Hello,” do not sigh, roll your eyes, and huff, “What do you want?” Instead, say, “Hi, honey. What's up?” Instead of yelling, “I hate you!” try using a calm voice and saying, “I feel rather upset.” You could also adopt friendly body language by, for instance, keeping your arms uncrossed and moving gradually. Don’t wave your arms rapidly or slam your fist on the table. These nonverbal forms of communications could intimidate your partner. Modulate your volume when speaking. Avoid yelling at your partner or using foul language. Smile often at your partner to put them at ease and encourage them to communicate clearly and honestly with you. Be patient when communicating with your partner. If you find yourself getting frustrated with your partner during conversation, you might soon say something that leads to misunderstanding. To avoid this, try some relaxing breathing exercises. Close your eyes and breathe in for three seconds through your nose. Breathe out four five seconds through your mouth. Repeat as needed.

Stay focused on the issue. Avoid generalizations. Be specific and direct when communicating with your partner. In conversation, stick to a single issue and the specific situation you and your partner are engaged in. For instance, if your partner is frustrating you, don’t say, “You always do this.” Instead, say, “I’m disappointed in the way our interaction is going.” Explain exactly why you’re disappointed and do not characterize your current conflict or misunderstanding as typical if it is not. For instance, if you and your partner are discussing a mutual friend’s personality, avoid swerving off into a conversation about who you and your partner spend time with. Instead, say “We should really stick to the issue at hand.” If your partner is upset that you always wear your shoes in the house, do not try justifying your behavior by changing the topic to how they never wash the dishes. Additionally, avoid bringing in unrelated grievances during conversation. Muddying the issue might lead to misunderstandings. For instance, do not say, “You never wipe your feet when you come inside!” when discussing how your partner forgot to buy bananas at the grocery store. Be realistic, fair, and level-headed when in conversation with your partner.

Apologize if necessary. If you’ve noticed that you’ve confused your partner, or have said something you didn’t really mean, apologize for doing so. For instance, if you’ve said something that caused your partner to ask, “What did you mean by that?” you might reply, “Sorry, let me explain it another way.” This will solve the misunderstanding you’ve already caused and prevent future misunderstandings based on the initial one. Once the conversation is over, reflect on everything that was said. You might decide that you owe your partner an apology. If necessary, say, “Thank you for talking to me earlier. I see now that you are correct. I am truly sorry.” For instance, if your partner points out that you implied that you were going to be home at 1:00 but you were home at 2:00 and you realize your ambiguous language did leave such a possibility open, say, “Wow, I am very sorry I wasn't clearer I will be more careful next time.”

Developing Empathy

Reflect on what was said. If your first reaction is to get angry or frustrated, hold off doing so until you have more evidence that such a reaction is warranted. If you’re in the middle of a conversation, for instance, and your partner says something that tees you off, wait until you have more information when the exchange is complete before deciding how to react and feel. For instance, suppose your partner says, “I am not just mad that you were late. I am upset about the fact that you seem to often be late and have not corrected this behavior despite the multiple conversations we’ve had about the subject. This suggests to me that you do not value my time.” You might need time to mull it over. Think about the prior conversations you had over the topic. Ask yourself, “Is my partner correct? Have I been thoughtless and/or insensitive to their needs?” Do not stop reflecting on what your partner said after the misunderstanding has passed. To avoid future misunderstandings, incorporate your new information and improved understanding about how your partner feels and what their expectations are into your decision-making process. For instance, if your partner expresses frustration over you being late to lunch, do not be late to other appointments involving them such as, movie dates, dinner dates, or planned workout sessions at your local gym. Ask yourself if you need to mark your appointments in your phone so that you can get alerts and reminders.

Look for information that casts doubt on your conclusions. One sources of misunderstandings is concentrating on only one fact or set of facts without looking at the entirety of your partner or the entirety of what they said. To avoid this tendency, step back and look at your partner’s entire statement, or entirety of the conversation. For instance, if your partner says, “I dislike your friends,” you might misunderstand them and think they mean that they don’t like you. To prevent yourself from reaching this conclusion, look for facts outside of your conclusion that cast doubt on it, such as the fact that your partner loves and cares for you, and the fact that you and your friends are not the same in every way. Try to calmly follow up on statements without becoming defensive. If, for example, your partner says they do not like your friends, you might ask them who they dislike and way. Reflect back what you hear your partner say.

See things from your partner’s point of view. Seeing things from your partner’s point of view can help you avoid misunderstandings with your partner. To see things from another point of view, use your imagination. Consider what they might be feeling or thinking based on your knowledge of their life history and personal experiences. For instance, if your partner did not grow up in a household where meals were frequently made at home, this information might help you understand why they expect you to make dinner. If your partner was mugged while walking home from work, you might be able to reflect on this situation to better understand why they expect you to pick them up from work after dark. In other words, what you see as demands upon your time, your partner probably sees as opportunities for you to help them and take the lead. You should see these opportunities in a similar way, or at least understand how your partner sees things. If you are ever uncomfortable with certain responsibilities, discuss your concerns with your partner to avoid similar misunderstandings.

Exploring New Ways to Communicate

View your partner as a teammate. Don’t insist on “winning.” If you feel that you must always be right or come out on top in a conversation or discussion, you might cause misunderstandings with your partner. Instead of trying to view each conversation or debate as a zero-sum game where either you win and your partner loses (or vice versa), try to view conversations as opportunities where you and your partner can both grow and learn from one another.

Share your expectations. Couples often encounter misunderstandings because they did not have the same expectations. For instance, if you and your partner agree to spend the day together but do not plan what you want to do on your date, you might both end up frustrated due to the miscommunication. To avoid such a situation, be clear, honest, and direct when expressing your desires and expectations. For instance, when setting weekend plans, instead of saying, “I’d like to spend some time with you this weekend,” say “I’d like for us to get to dinner at a nice restaurant and attend the opera on Sunday.”

Separate if necessary. If, during conversation with your partner, you find that you’re not really getting anywhere, take a break and try to resume the conversation later. You might say to your partner, “This doesn’t seem to be productive. Let’s talk more later.” During the break in the conversation, do some meditation or take a walk to help clear your head and think about what was said during the previous conversation.

Find out more about relationships. There are many ways to learn from others who have been in situations that are the same or similar to the one you and your partner are in. You could, for instance, check out relationship info online from reputable sources. A better option, though, is to visit your local library and check out some volumes on relationship communication. Alternately, or in addition to relationship research, talk to other couples. Find out how they avoid misunderstandings and work to incorporate their tips and tricks into your own life.

Reframe your relationship. View your partner as a friend and ally. You and your partner both want what’s best for the relationship. Look at your partner as a teammate. To help you reframe the relationship, say to your partner, “We both want what’s best, we are just coming at the situation from two different perspectives. Let’s work together to get through this.”

Attend couples counseling. Couples counseling or couples therapy introduces a trained therapist into your relationship to analyze – and hopefully solve – your misunderstandings with your partner. Working together with your therapist, you and your partner will be able to get an unbiased opinion about the nature of your relationship dynamic that you can use to avoid and solve misunderstandings. To find a good couples therapist, ask for recommendations from others who have gone through couples therapy, or from your own therapist. You could also search online for therapists. Interview several potential couples therapists before choosing one. The couples therapist you’re considering should hold an LMFT or LCSW license, or a Ph.D, Psy.D, or MSW degree. Only choose a therapist with experience and training helping couples resolve and avoid misunderstandings. Ensure that any couples therapist you’re interested in working with accepts your insurance.