- Talk to your wife privately so you can understand why she cheated and plan what you want to do next. Couples therapy can help.
- Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions and take your time to decide what you're going to do next rather than making a rash decision you might regret.
- Women typically cheat because they're unsatisfied with the relationship or with themselves, or because they feel lonely.
Talking to Your Wife
Talk to your wife privately. Sit down with your wife and have a serious conversation without any distractions. Keep your tone calm and even throughout this conversation. If you start to feel emotionally overwhelmed, take a break before resuming your talk. Even if you don't know for sure that she cheated, the suspicion you feel indicates that there's something off in your relationship. According to psychotherapist Kelli Miller, "something's missing within your relationship, so it's a good time to evaluate and talk to your spouse and try to feel more connected." Studies show that women are more likely to admit they cheated than men are, so it's likely when you talk to her about it she'll come clean.
Practice active listening. Before you can make a decision on what to do, you need to find out why she cheated on you and what she really wants. She may not have felt as though your relationship was meeting her needs. She might also feel a lot of guilt about the affair. It's important to get all of those feelings out into the open. Listen actively, paraphrasing back what she says so you can be certain that you understand. With real communication, according to marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson, you're "moving away from assumptions to clarification." Psychotherapist Kelli Miller agrees: "Although it's really tough because a lot of emotions are happening at once, try to go in with neutral intent because you don't know the other side of the story."
Speak to your wife about your feelings. Be ready to "speak from your feelings," as clinical psychologist Supatra Tovar puts it: "State directly how and why you are hurt." Discovering that your wife has cheated can bring about an unstable emotional state, which marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson describes as a "roller coaster of emotions." Be honest with your wife about how you feel—it will help you to heal your relationship if that's what you want. Common emotional responses include: Anger at the betrayal Anxiety Self-blame Shame Insecurity
Suggest going to couples therapy. According to psychotherapist Kelli Miller, couples counseling gives you "a really safe space to explore all that is going on." She continues, "You could do this alone with your partner, but it does help to have that space for you to communicate openly about your relationship." Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson recommends taking your time to choose a therapist. Select 3 or 4 and interview them together so you can find the counselor who you both feel comfortable with.
Create a plan to restore your trust together. Keep in mind that this isn't going to happen overnight. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller advises that "it does take time and you have to be patient." Think about what would help you heal and what your wife needs to do so that you can start to rebuild that trust that you've lost. Pay attention to what she does—remember, actions speak louder than words. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller notes that "cheating doesn't signify the end of a relationship. Yes, it's painful, and it can signify the end but it can also be a really beautiful new beginning. If you can both get honest and talk about what was missing, or what was lacking and what you want changed and things like that."
Handling Your Emotions
Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions. It's natural to feel a lot of different emotions and cycle through them pretty rapidly. You might feel like the rug has been pulled right out from under you and everything you thought you knew is now in doubt. All that is normal. Now is the time to be gentle with yourself. Don't try to stuff your feelings down or tell yourself that you shouldn't feel the way you do. Letting yourself feel is the best way to release those emotions and prepare yourself to move forward.
Take time to decide what you want to do. It's never a good idea to make major decisions when you're so caught up in conflicting emotions. Give yourself time to calm down so you can decide rationally if you want to work on the relationship or you're ready to call it quits. You and your wife might also decide to spend a brief period apart. Having some time alone can help you come to terms with the situation and decide if you still want her to be in your life. Clinical psychologist Supatra Tovar recommends that you "ask yourself first if trust can be rebuilt and if you wish to continue the relationship. Then look to your wife to see if there is also a willingness to continue the relationship."
Get support from close friends and family. Couples therapy or individual therapy is great but look for support from other sources as well. People who've known you for a while and who love you can be great at providing the emotional support you need. Your friends and family are also going to be great at reminding you that this isn't your fault and that you're a wonderful person who doesn't deserve to be betrayed or treated poorly. Reader Poll: We asked 634 wikiHow readers who've been cheated on, and 71% of them agreed that turning to God is another helpful way to cope with your partner’s cheating and get the support you need if you're a spiritual person. [Take Poll]
Rebuild your own self-esteem. In the wake of the discovery that your wife cheated on you, it's totally natural for your self-esteem to take a hit. You're likely wondering if you're good enough or if you're even cut out for a relationship. This is the time to be gentle to yourself. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller recommends "looking at this as an opportunity for growth in yourself." She notes that people often focus on their partner to lift them up and validate them, but she says "This is an inside job that you're going to have to do on your own as far as validating yourself to feel good again."
Possible Reasons for Cheating
She is unsatisfied with the relationship. This could relate to sexual satisfaction, but it could also relate to other needs. With women, emotional needs and emotional intimacy can be more important than sex. If she's feeling emotionally disconnected from you, she might turn to someone else to fulfill that need. Psychotherapist Kelli Miller agrees that "it's typically not about you... It's really about your spouse feeling something and they're not able to communicate that effectively to you." Find out what needs she has that aren't being met by the relationship. Then, the two of you can work together to come up with ways to ensure that the relationship is meeting those needs.
She has low self-esteem. If she's feeling down about herself, someone pumping her up with compliments and telling her how great she looks is going to make her feel a little better. This is especially true if she cheated on you with someone who seems like they have a lot going for them. That person thinking she's attractive is quite an ego boost! This is particularly common if the two of you have been together for a while. It's normal for couples to slack on giving each other compliments after they've been together for years. If she's missing that, she might look for it from someone else. Make a few sincere compliments to her every day. If you notice something that you love about her, let her know! She'll appreciate it and it'll help keep your relationship fresh.
She feels lonely. Yes, it's possible to feel lonely even when you're in a committed relationship with someone else. It could be that you've drifted apart and don't really connect emotionally anymore. Or it could be literal, physical loneliness if either of you is away from home a lot and you rarely see each other. Recommit to your relationship and spend more quality time together to help remedy this problem. Schedule date nights to ramp up the romance.
She wants some variety in her sex life. Make no mistake, women enjoy sex just as much as men do. If the two of you have been monogamous for years on end, she might just be craving something a little different. This is especially likely if your sex life has become a bit routine and monotonous. In this situation, she might try to defend herself by saying that there weren't any emotions involved, it was just sex. Be careful about seeing this as an opportunity to open up your relationship. Opening a relationship after cheating can be extremely destructive because you haven't done the work to repair the trust you lost in your relationship.
She simply had the opportunity. Cheating isn't always premeditated. It could've simply been a matter of someone coming onto her at a moment when she was feeling especially vulnerable and open to their advances. This is especially likely if she was out of town or if there was drinking involved. Try to empathize with her, keeping in mind that if she didn't intend for the cheating to happen, she's likely feeling extremely guilty about it. She might also feel some remorse for letting things get to that point.
She's looking for a way out of the relationship. This might sound a bit passive-aggressive, but sometimes people feel trapped in a relationship where they're not feeling the love anymore and they just don't know how to talk about it. In this situation, she might have thought that cheating would be a good way to get you to leave instead. If she was cheating for this reason, she typically wanted to get caught. While she might've been a little secretive about it, she wouldn't go out of her way to hide the affair.
Signs She Might Be Cheating
She starts dressing up more. If she's putting more time and effort into her appearance, it could be because she has someone new who's appreciating and complimenting her. She might start going to the gym more, eating more healthy foods, or dressing in more stylish clothes. This is really more about a change in her behavior than anything else. For example, if she used to never wear makeup and now she wears makeup all the time, that could mean she's having an affair.
She's very protective of her phone. Dr. Tara Vossenkemper, a licensed professional counselor, sees this as a strong sign that your wife is cheating on you. She notes that it might be that "all of a sudden, she takes her phone with her all the time. She hides it. She changes the password." It could also be that she never lets her phone out of her sight, or she gets calls and texts at all hours of the night or leaves the room to take a call.
She becomes more emotionally distant. This is often a sign of emotional cheating, in which she's simply more emotionally (if not physically) intimate with someone else. At the same time, it can also happen if she's having a sexual relationship with someone else. She just doesn't seem as emotionally connected to you as she once did. It might also be that she comes across as cold. If you feel as though she just doesn't care about you as much as she used to, it might be because she's more emotionally invested in someone else.
She isn't interested in having sex with you. If she's having sex with someone else, you might notice that your marital bedroom goes dead. It might be because she's worried that you'll somehow discover she's cheating if the two of you get sexually intimate, but it could also be simply that she's getting her sexual needs satisfied elsewhere. This assumes that the two of you were sexually intimate on a regular basis before. It's really more about a change from the usual routine than anything else. If you previously didn't have sex much, the opposite can be true. Her being suddenly interested in having sex with you a lot could mean that she's cheating on you.
She goes out alone or with friends a lot. She might suddenly seem to have a much more active social life than she used to, or start talking about hanging out with new friends who you haven't met. It could be that she's simply building a new social circle, or it could be that she's using these new friends to cover up her cheating. She could also simply be lying to you about who she's with and what she's doing, so that's something to keep in mind as well. If she really is going out with friends, ask if you can meet them or if you can hang out with them sometime. Although it's perfectly healthy for her to have her own friends and interests, it's a bit suspicious if she refuses to even let you meet them.
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