First Date Pointers
Pick a fun location or activity for your date. Many people opt for a traditional dinner or coffee meet-up for the first date, but dating coach Lisa Shield actually cautions against this. “I really think it's a mistake, because it's such an awkward and artificial thing to be sitting face to face with somebody over a cup of coffee. So my best advice is to go out and do an activity,” she explains. According to Shield, your activity doesn’t have to be super elaborate; it should just be something a little more exciting to keep you two engaged. For example, Shield recommends getting your coffee to-go then exploring a different location. “Go for a walk through a cool neighborhood, or go to a museum and walk around. Commenting on the artwork is always fun.” Ultimately, the goal is to do something that “will actually start some natural conversation, rather than just being with someone at a dinner table or a table in Starbucks,” Shield says.
Prepare some topics and conversation starters. When it comes to first dates, the pressure to have a good conversation is one of the things that people seem to worry about the most. It may sound silly, but coming up with a few interesting topics and questions beforehand can actually be super helpful. “You want to avoid awkward silences, and sometimes nerves may play a part in that. By coming in prepared, you make the first date that much easier,” explains relationship expert Joshua Pompey. Pompey recommends having “some fun stories to tell to fall back on.” For example, maybe you have a crazy vacation experience or hilarious school memory. Stories like these can really come in handy if the convo starts to lag. Funny past dating experiences also make great conversation topics. “It can be a really fun icebreaker that releases the tension and gives you something to talk about. At the same time, if you're telling a story about somebody that was a little wacky, it implies that you're not like that and you're one of the good ones. So it kills two birds with one stone,” Pompey explains.
Wear something you feel good in. You want to look your best on a first date, but you don’t want to wear something too different from your regular style or too out-there. “A first date is not the place to wear something you just bought that you're not comfortable in yet,” explains professional matchmaker Maria Avgitidis. Instead, you'll want to "wear something that you definitely feel comfortable in, something that makes you feel good and look good." Pick an outfit that fits you well, that’s comfortable to sit or stand in for a long period of time, and that’s appropriate for the activity you’re doing. For example, if you’re doing an adventurous or active date, like bike riding on the beach or walking through a farmer’s market, you’ll want to wear shoes and clothes that look good, but that you can also easily move around in.
Do your best to be confident. Confidence is a universally attractive trait, so it’s a good idea to maintain a confident attitude on a first date. One way to do this is to have open, engaged body language. This means standing or sitting up straight, smiling, making eye contact, and staying in a relaxed and comfortable position, rather than squirming or fidgeting. There are also a few confidence-boosting exercises you can do before your date: Try standing in a “power pose” for a few minutes before your date. To do this, put your hands on your hips, feet shoulder width apart, and keep your back straight. It sounds silly, but research actually shows that this can increase your sense of confidence and lower the stress hormone cortisol. Try visualizing your ideal date beforehand. Positive visualization has been shown to improve performance and decrease stress and anxiety, so imagining yourself acting confident on your date could help you actually feel more confident when it actually happens. Make a small physical change. According to Pompey, a little stylistic tweak may be enough to boost your confidence levels. “Something as simple as getting some new clothes, looking a little bit more stylish, or getting the right haircut” might do the trick.
Be a good listener. When your date is talking, make an effort to actively listen to what they’re saying, rather than just nodding along or zoning out. Active listening shows your date that you’re fully engaged and interested in getting to know them, which helps you make a good impression and deepen your connection. Both of these things are key for securing a second date! Here are some specific tips: Use engaged body language. Face your date, make eye contact with them, and react to the things they’re saying by nodding and making appropriate facial expressions. Paraphrase what they say back to them. This shows that you’ve been paying attention to what they’re saying. For example, when they finish telling a story, you could say, “It’s so crazy that you ran into your old roommate! I bet you were happy to see them.” Ask thoughtful follow-up questions. This deepens the conversation and shows that you’re actually interested in what they’re talking about. For example, if they say that they just moved from a different city, you could say, “Wow, I’ve always wanted to visit! What were some of your favorite things to do out there?”
Pay attention to your date’s body language. Physical cues can be important indicators of how your date is feeling. For example, “When somebody is looking at you and smiling a lot, making eye contact, and engaging in little touches on the arm, elbow, or on the back while you're talking, those are tremendous signs of interest,” explains Pompey. If you notice a lot of these positive body language cues, the date is likely going pretty well! On the flip side, there are a few negative body language cues that could signal your date is uncomfortable. “People will turn their feet away from you, will start taking steps back, or will start nodding more and not really contributing to the conversation” if things aren’t going well, explains Avgitidis. If you notice that your date is starting to become more closed-off in their body language, give them some space and ask them if everything’s alright. It’s important to respect their boundaries and make sure they feel comfortable.
Be your true, unique self. Dating is about finding a match that’s right for you, so it’s important to actually be yourself. If you act differently than you normally would to try to impress them, you might end up getting into a relationship with somebody you aren’t actually compatible with. So don’t be afraid to share your true personality, express your real opinions, and share your actual interests. If you’re right for each other, your date will love these things about you! And if they don’t, at least you know you aren’t actually compatible in the long run. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and when you figure out that someone is the wrong person, it frees you up to keep looking for the right one.
Follow up after the date. If the date went well, make sure to send a follow-up text. Tell them you enjoyed yourself, and let them know you’d love to go on a second date. Being direct and proactive like this saves you both a lot of stress and uncertainty, and it lets them know that you’re truly interested. Here are some example texts to inspire you: “Just wanted to say I had an awesome time tonight! Would love to grab drinks with you next weekend if you’re free????” “It was great to meet you today! We should go see that movie you were talking about sometime ????” “Really loved getting to know you tonight. Let’s do it again soon!” EXPERT TIP Maria Avgitidis Maria Avgitidis Matchmaker & Dating Expert Maria Avgitidis is the CEO & Matchmaker of Agape Match, a matchmaking service based out of New York City. For over a decade, she has successfully combined four generations of family matchmaking tradition with modern relationship psychology and search techniques to ensure her professional clientele are introduced to their ultimate match. Maria and Agape Match have been featured in The New York Times, The Financial Times, Fast Company, CNN, Esquire, Elle, Reuters, Vice, and Thrillist. Maria Avgitidis Maria Avgitidis Matchmaker & Dating Expert If you didn't enjoy the date, you should still send a text. It’s best to break things off directly, rather than ghosting someone. Say something like, "I had a good time, but I don't feel long term chemistry. Genuinely wishing you luck on your search, and thank you for being such a gentleman on our date!”
What Not to Do on a First Date
Don’t wait too long to meet up in-person. If you met this person on a dating app, Avgitidis cautions against having a super long digital convo before actually asking them out. “When you're online dating, you should be using it as a tool to get offline. Your conversation should not turn into a pen pal conversation.” In fact, Avgitidis recommends acting pretty quickly. “You always want to set up your offline date if you meet someone online within two to three days,” she says. Dating app developer Jeremy Sharvit seconds this. “A lot of people make the mistake of talking too much. I think that dating apps should mainly be about logistics to actually meet up in real life and see if there's a connection there.” “Not everyone is meant for everyone, so I think getting to the point where you can meet someone and see if there's potential there—getting there faster—will increase your feedback loop and increase the likelihood of something more coming of it,” Sharvit explains.
Don’t treat the date like a job interview. If you ask them too many rapid-fire questions in a row, the conversation may start to feel like an interrogation. “People will ask how many siblings do you have? Where did you grow up? What do you like to do for fun? Where did you go to college? Going from topic to topic,” explains Shield. Instead, she recommends sticking to one subject for a longer amount of time. “Really great conversation happens when you take one topic and go deeper with it." For example, if your date says they grew up in Detroit, you could follow up with questions like, “Wow, tell me about Detroit. What was it like growing up there?” or “I heard that Detroit is really having a Renaissance right now. What do you do for fun out there?” explains Shield.
Don’t overshare. While it’s important to get to know each other on a first date, don’t feel pressured to share your whole life story (or learn theirs). You don’t want to get into intensely deep or personal topics before you’ve actually built trust with this person. Remember, “The whole purpose of the first date is to go on a second date. It's not to determine if you're going to marry this person,” says Avgitidis. For example, it’s probably a good idea to steer clear of super heavy topics, like past traumas, toxic previous relationships, or major family dysfunction. These things will come up at some point if you end up seriously dating this person, but they’re not necessarily appropriate convo topics for a first date.
Don’t drink too much. If you’re meeting up for drinks, pace yourself and be careful not to have too many. It can definitely be fun to have a drink or two with your date, but when you go beyond that, your judgment quickly starts to get impaired. Your goal is to actually get to know this person and make a good impression, and you want your wits about you for both of these things. Because of this, it’s best to stick to a 2 drink limit on a first date.
Don’t stress yourself out too much. Remember, it’s completely normal to feel nervous before and during a first date. The good news is that the more you push yourself out of your comfort zone and go on dates, the easier it will become. “Dating is a skill just like anything else in life. It does take practice,” says Pompey. “The more you do it, the more comfortable you’ll get, and it’ll just progress from there.”
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